by Amir Hafizi
Fuck the favourites, it’s the year of the underdogs!
Down with France, England, Italy and now, Spain. The favourites, after becoming European Champions, facing lowly Honduras. Their players the wet dreams of many women – especially Malaysian women.
They go gaga over Fabregas and Villa and Torres. If football was a runway show-off, Spain would have won the World Cup
Well, Malaysian women can suck my dick.
Just because those Spaniards are good looking, they are rooting for them – except for Carlos Puyol, of course, who looks like a clown.
Man, this article was supposed to be an intellectual tour-de-force on the cyclic nature of the underdog tag with stuff like how the ‘underdogs are now the favourites to casually upset all the favourites who are now underdogs’ and how it all ties in to new media vs old media and their quadruple role reversals, with my really cool research which constitutes of reading two online articles and a wikipedia page and how liberals suck ass.
Not about the shallow nature of women. Who obsess about how people look.
But seriously, though. Carlos Puyol looks like a clown. Paint his nose red. Now squeeze it. Honk! Honk! I’m gonna get nightmares tonight.
Last time, years ago, it was the Italian team. Everyone looked like underwear or shaving cream models. Alessandro Del Piero, Francesco Totti, Pippo Inzhagi all looked like they stepped out of a Gillette ad. Only Genarro Ivan Gattuso [above] looked like he needed a shave… on his back. He was the Puyol of the Italian team.
Honestly, though, if Fabregas had a vagina and tits, I’d probably fuck him as well. Not that I’m gay or anything. And not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I’m not gay.
But. Take Fabregas. Give him boobs. Medium-size, cause he’s not so tall. A 34B would do. Now, give him long hair, shave him, and then laser all the hairs on his body except his eyebrows, eyelashes and his hair.
Then give him the smoky eyes makeup. Give him a light pink lipstick with a matte finish.
Now, imagine if he was born Francesca Fabregas.
Well, honestly, I wouldn’t fuck him now. He looks horrible with boobs. In fact, Fabregas makes a pretty decent woman, but not up to par like Iker Casillas’ girlfriend Sara Carbonero.
I actually missed the first David Villa goal because I was comparing my favourite Sara Carbonero pictures with a friend over BBM. I like her in the Spanish jersey. My friend likes her with one finger in her mouth, taking the lower lips down, like she’s imagining tasting dick tapas. Gambas paco alcalde! With besa me culo!
So anyway, yes. Fabregas is pretty. Women love the Spanish team because they are good looking, regardless whether they also like the tactics and style of play.
Here, I should expound on how beauty is nature’s way to tell us that our mate doesn’t have worms or scurvy or herpes. Quoting a half-remembered Time magazine article or something, but in the spirit of beauty, this article shall remain shallow. In protest.
It is so unfair to teams like Republic of Korea (South Korea) and Korea DPR (North Korea).
And before this game against Honduras, both DPR Korea and Republic of Korea played as well or even better than Spain. Why aren’t women putting Korean flags on their BBM statuses and Facebook and Twitter? It’s discrimination!
The Koreans are not exactly model material. Except for Ahn Jung Hwan, who no longer plays, I think, all of them do not look like Rain at all.
If Malaysia ever gets to the World Cup, please make sure that our most beautiful men are there. Who cares if they can play football? Malaysia will never win the World Cup, but if we put our best-looking men forward, then Spanish women will cheer the Malaysian team as well.
Imagine that. Penelope Cruz cheering the likes of Datuk Seri Khir Toyo, Dr Sheikh Muszaphar and Lim Kit Siang – the Puyol of the Malaysian team.
Penelope Cruz was really good-looking in that movie Vicky Christina Barcelona, even though Messi wasn’t in it.
But no one can beat Jessica Alba, actually. If looks were acting talent, Jessica Alba is the greatest actress in the world. Oh well.
What about the Hondurans? I hoped they could get back in the game despite the Spanish barrage and defeat them to show that non-models, too, can succeed, and that looks are not everything in this world.
Well, they lost the game. 2-0. Who cares? Boo hoo.
Spain vs Honduras,
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11 Comments
Cayalah Amir!
This is the sexiest entry ever!
Yes, after Spain vs Honduras game, I did think of David Villa before going to bed. Hahaha
I’ve found this project to be a fascinating accumulation of writing fr Malaysians of some pretty effin awesome calibre, but no matter how many times I’ve tried reading this entry by Amir through a ‘tongue in cheek’ lens or in my most ‘ah but this could be satire of the highest level and I’m just not getting it’ mindset — I am unable to swallow (pun not intended whatsoever) reading this piece as anything other than a superbly crass, objectifying AND misogynistic piece of writing. Oh, homophobic too. Truth.
The fact is that after reading this piece, I’m left reeling and am actually in a state of heightened anxiety (it is my heartbeat that is racing, primarily – yeah, and not from Amir’s titillating sexing up/down of Fabregas) Was this the intended reaction of publishing this piece btw? Bc if it was, dangit, you’ve got it from me, I’ll give you that!.
I am compelled to leave this comment (with full knowledge that perhaps it just might be me and me only who feels this way) if only just to say that really, just like that, this ’space’ no longer feels Safe and that is saddens (for lack of a better word) me that this is so.
Amir Hafizi, YOU ARE FUCKING AWESOME HAHA. For a while you were cooler than the whole Spain team. For a while.
Oh if only you know the things I had in mind about David Villa …
Dengki. Sebab mereka seksi dan gorjes dan wanita menyokong mereka sebab mereka hot.
Motif?
Viva La Espana!
I suppose I’m meant to snicker at this piece and marvel over its coolness quotient, except that it’s neither funny nor cool. Just bitter, and whiny. I know that the writers here are probably writing under immensely sleep-deprived conditions, yet… I’ve enjoyed the other pieces here; they’ve mostly been nuanced and reflective with a good dose of snark that doesn’t really disparage or alienate.
This piece, however, is great as controversy-bait, but not much else. A typical liberal intellectual poser is bloody annoyed that certain Malaysian women objectify football players, is further annoyed that the object is NOT him, and proceeds to reverse the trope and objectify the women doing the objectification. Or something.
Who cares, really? This was lazy and insulting, and I’m not sure why it’s even here. If one must be shallow in protest, at least give us something to laugh about.
I don’t think Malaysian women want to suck your dick, Amir. If they want to taste sour grapes they can just go drink some wine and have a good time while at it.
Carles, not Carlos
“The only reason that I ever used to watch footie was for the Eye Candy and the swoonsome sight of the virile, sweaty mingling of fit bodies, and for Italy’s Totti, my biggest football-player crush.” — Sherry Siebel
For all you know, Sherry could be writing about horses. But I haven’t read about anyone’s heightened anxiety over the objectification of football players there.
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to ogling at footie players’ glistening calf muscles while on the field, or undressing them with my eyes to reveal, what I imagine to be, perfectly sculpted V-shaped torso.
Granted that Amir’s language is crass. I don’t agree with it, but I don’t think it’s fair to subject his delivery to criticism. Yes, vagina, tits, asses and dicks are prominent in jock-like language, but then again, they’re just body parts no?
Amir admitted that the piece would be shallow. Really I think he has concretised the key message here — we can be shallow all around when it comes to footie matches.
Recent Sex and The City 2 reviews were, in my opinion, far more misogynistic than Amir’s piece.
“Recent Sex and The City 2 reviews were, in my opinion, far more misogynistic than Amir’s piece.”
What? I FAILED!
Amir, cari pasal pulak
Ying – as long as Amir stands by his delivery and his content, I think it’s completely fair to subject it to criticism. If you’re going to publish your views on a potentially controversial matter and stand by it, you’re going to have to be ready for criticism.
I suppose one can be walking down the street, lalalala, and then suddenly someone comes along and decides to stick his dick in you, just for fun, or because he wants to teach you a “lesson”, and one is supposed to be all like, “oh, that’s just a body part… no? No biggie!”
Oh wait, you mean… they’re just body parts where language is concerned? So, words are just words – that’s the argument? I’m sure none of us believe that; otherwise Amir wouldn’t have bothered to write a piece about something that bothered him, I wouldn’t have responded, and you wouldn’t be here defending Amir. So let’s get this useless little issue out of the way – words matter, and apparently, so do body parts.
Objectification is bad either way – ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL. Come back to me when the objectification of male soccer players actually GETS IN THE WAY of them doing their job, and gets in the way of them earning money, having economic power and autonomy, and enjoying both respect and fame for it; and perhaps we can have a discussion that’s actually based on the facts of reality.
I think the “take it easy, it’s just a joke la…” or “it’s just entertainment; it’s just words” argument has long outlived its usefulness. There is a danger, in all these stances – “it’s JUST body parts”, “it’s JUST entertainment”, “it’s JUST a joke” to simply deflect from the real argument and use a sense of irony to say irresponsible things without claiming any responsibility.
People who are all about jokes and entertainment and “just” body parts are the first get all defensive and riled up when their cool, detached, humorous style is questioned or criticised. Relax la… it’s “just” a criticism.